As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to ponder about why it is that while people have paired up together so instinctively around me I have so adamantly chosen to remain single. When I was younger I was convinced that it was because I was cursed; surely I had horrific luck when it came to love and that was why I kept encountering people who were utterly wrong for me.
The more I’ve aged though the deeper I have come to understand that I haven’t been as complicit in this whole endeavour as the ‘poor me’ rhetoric of my youth would have you believe. I just haven’t been ready which might be reminiscent of the type of emotionally unavailable men I have gone after. Because somewhere deep down I knew that they were not capable of the reciprocal type of love that is destined for me and in actuality, neither was I ready for it.
As time has gone on and I have matured, I have perhaps been more ready and more capable of love. But in saying that I have attempted to build a life with, again, utterly the wrong people. The past few years have provided me with so much growth and inner strength that I have understood my life journey is not dependent on anyone else. In taking that one step further, even if it was, that person would not be a one size fits all mould who could slot into my life with minimal fuss.
My family members as of late have been quick to remind me that perfection is not realistic and thus urge me to compromise in my pursuit of love. They warn me that I will never find all of what I am looking for and they may be right. I probably won’t but mainly because life rarely ever gives us what we want. This is usually because that very concept is one which is fluid in itself and thus dependent on what junction we are at in life’s journey.
In attempting to take forward the advice of those around me, I have tried to pursue what they would regard as normalcy with many ‘just anyone’s’. I’ve gone through the motions in order to quell the questions about my personal life to show that I am ‘at least trying’. But it’s as if even though my head and my body urge me forward and will me to affirm this normalcy and establish a relationship, my soul yearns for something more.
Maybe this is because it knows that there is something deeper and more core shaking out there for me. Perhaps it’s because it has experienced this level of love, of intimacy with someone in a past life and those memories reverberate still but on a different frequency which transcends time, space and dimensions.
What if it is the case that it knows exactly what is destined for me, what I have sought after for all these years and what I will eventually have and therefore it will not allow me to settle for any less.
So with my heart as my guide, I continue forward on a journey towards what I have to believe is the type of love, partner and relationship that doesn’t come along easily. I know that this means that I can never give up the fight and I refuse to enter into an existence of meaningless coupledom.
My soul, my entire being yearns for something more which it knows is out there somewhere. Because of course, it has experienced it before, in a lifetime that is now buried in my subconscious as a distant memory. One in which I re-enter only in my dreams and one in which I am reminded of twin flame, of the soul mate I am seeking to find my way back to.