I’ve come to understand that a large part of self growth goes beyond simply understanding the world and the intentions of others. It goes further than this element to consist of looking deeper within oneself and acknowledging fundamental and profound misgivings within. I know for me that revolves around the duality of my expectations for this life and from those who come in and out of it and I’ll admit that I been far from fair when yielding these so indiscriminately.
I speak a lot about being true to myself and living my life according to a set of morals and values that are deeply personal to me. What I have understood of late is that I have had the tendency to project these expectations onto those around me and then resent the fact that they haven’t been lived up to. I’ve felt so jaded that those within my company haven’t played out to a set of rigid and unattainable expectations which have risen out of my own consciousness of which I have unwittingly projected onto them. Now when I speak about this, it’s not expectations around loyalty, or deceit or respect, those elements are irrefutable to me and play out within whether or not someone’s actions match their words. What I am referring to here is that I expect an unrealistic and idealised version of perfection based on my own self invented standards from those around me, especially when it comes to those I make myself vulnerable to or with.
I have often said that everyone lets me down eventually because what I expect from them is rooted in a utopian realm in which, let’s be honest actual human beings are not capable of living. I will admit that I have been too black and white in certain interactions and then turned around and affirmed the presence of so many shades of grey in others. I can now confess this, and I see oh so clearly the hypocrisy involved.
In one particular instance, I saw and judged a certain person not as a reflection of themselves, not of who they are as an individual but as a manifestation of the ‘perfect’ which exists only in my fantasy world. I will admit in this instance that the rose-coloured glasses I see this world through clouded my view so badly that I couldn’t actually see straight. I heard a quote the other day which rings so true to this particular exchange as it states “I am constantly refining my understanding of the world through conversations with other people”. This sense of learning, of growing, of changing through accepting this element is an inherent life lesson in and of itself.
There’s been a certain level of cathartic release in the sheer act of simply admitting this to myself. I don’t believe that I am wrong in expecting better of people and of humanity, but this interaction had made me realise that there is a difference between expecting better and more than that of expecting perfection. I mean this is a concept which does not exist and I would never even pretend that I could attain to and nor would I want to.
What I all too often forget is that someone else’s version of living their truth is exactly that, their own. It will look nothing like mine and whilst I may instinctively judge based on my own journey, I actually have no right to. The whole notion of your own truth is exactly that and to this person who I imposed my judgment on, I am truly sorry. I have come to understand that there is a beauty in knowing when something that you felt so strongly about was in fact slightly askew and therefore misplaced. I have done my best to identify the presence of this practice in myself and the way in which I view others and made peace with this element. I now move forward in the hope of a more understanding outlook in which I expect betterment but not perfection from those I care for and whom grace my life with their presence.
For an instant, I forgot that it’s the complexities about human beings that make us so special. In the projection of my expectations of ‘perfect’ I overlooked the fact that these elements are subjective to begin with and more importantly are not grounded in reality. Unicorns don’t exist, perfection doesn’t exist. The only thing that is real and true is the imperfect nature of a lack of perfection within all of us.