I blog for Change…

As I attempt to orient the windy and often treacherous roads that encapsulate life, here are some of my thoughts on the successes, failures and ultimately the hope and positivity in which I strive for a better world. I also hope that I can use this blog as a platform to elevate the social justice issues that are somewhat forgotten in the modern discourse of staying silent on issues that challenge. Sx

An Ode to the Self-Critic Within.

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Boy have I been guilty of being my own worst critic throughout my life. I have been cranky with myself, chastised every minute element of my waking moments and constantly marked myself down for a perceived lack of progress in an existence which I have unrealistically tied myself too. In a moment of sheer clarity the other day I remember thinking, what would happen if I spoke to a friend or loved one in this way? The instant reaction, which was utterly innate, is that I would never speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself. So why on earth do I continue to do it within my own self thought?

Someone very wise once told me that I am crushing my intuition and throwing away my gifts through an ongoing commitment to an unrelenting self-criticism. I have viewed myself so harshly and attributed my inner spirit with such judgment and contempt that I have somehow boxed myself in to this never ending cycle of negativity. Thinking about this element, it seems so foreign to me because I am far from a negative person. I am the eternal optimist, the dreamer, the searcher, the lover and the idealist. I am a healer which I understand so distinctly because my first instinct is always to sacrifice myself and my well-being to be there for others. But somewhere down the line I forgot that in order to nurture this world and continue to project love and light, I have to start from within and be kind and far less judgmental to my own inner being first.

I look back now and wonder how it was possible to be so self-critical of a life that yes has had its hardships, but one that I have endeavoured upon nevertheless with a pure and open heart. How could I judge myself so negatively for living through a tumultuous household in which hatred and spite were the order of the day, and yet my first instinct has continued to be love, kindness and harmony? How is it possible to reprimand my enduring strength and commitment when I have never strayed from the morals and principles that bind my spirit, in spite of the cruelty and cynicism that surround me?

I have been so unkind to myself that it hurts to even think that I am capable of such malice. If only I was aware of what I know now; that I was unjustly judging the progress of my life, my emotions, my reactions and vulnerabilities by a set of unrealistic, impossible set of standards in which I would never judge any other human being on this planet against. The truth is I have done the best that I can for all this time. I have strived to be better every day and not dwelled on the misgivings of my past. I have woken up, even on those most mentally tormented of days, gotten out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and overcome. I have persisted even in the moments when I questioned everything and had no clue of where I was headed. It seems futile to now turn around and apologise to myself for all of this, but at the same time it feels oh so necessary. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry, I was wrong and I promise to never do this again.

Sx

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Author: es.el.gee

Sabene is a development practitioner, activist, writer, blogger and intersectional feminist. She currently works for CBM Australia and manages its India portfolio of Community Based Inclusive Development programs. Sabene’s expertise specialises in the intersection of gender and disability with a specific focus on South Asia and the Pacific. She is passionate about equality and social justice and serves as the Co-Director of Catalyst Co-Lab, an advocacy and rights based group which aims to raise awareness and empower active citizens and agents of change.

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