I’m often taken by surprise in life when emotions which I thought I had long before been dealt with tend to raise their heads at the most inopportune of times. There’s no doubt that I have suffered heartbreak, on more occasions than I care to count. After each and every setback, I have felt the unyielding pressure to pick myself up and just move on. Almost as if society dictates this of every human being and that any form of staying present during that emotion is tantamount to stagnation. In this sense I think I’ve been guilty of not properly mourning my loss and dealing with the emotions in which I feel. I have either pushed them down completely, thinking this was the only way I could cope or looking back and denying the scope of how I felt. Why is it so hard to admit that yes, I loved that person and what we had was great at that time, then move on accordingly, instead of having to utterly erase all evidence of their existence?
I have also been guilty of not conveying the depth of my pain to those closest to me. I tend to play things off as having not meant that much to me in the first place in order to keep up the rouse and not upset my loved ones. I know I might look like I am dealing and that the said circumstance does not affect me however this couldn’t be further from the case. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a sensitive soul and that nostalgia seems to be the go to order of the day. I tend to romanticise the ‘what ifs’ a little too much which I am well aware of. But I think most of the time people struggle to understand how deeply I feel and how difficult it is to let go sometimes.
The truth is at my core I am someone who feels literally.. everything. While this may sound utterly absurd it’s the best way I can describe it. I have come to understand that the only way to keep going without being debilitated by one sensation or another is to accept this fate and learn to deal with it. I can’t and won’t pretend anymore than I am unaffected because to be honest, this quality is what makes me quintessentially me and allows me the empathy in which I wield when forming personal connections.
So from here on out I am not going to apologise for feeling, or conveying my emotions. For surely it is better to go through life this way than numbing myself senseless in the name of a warped form of self-preservation and hiding my pain for the acceptance of wider society.