As the year slowly winds to a close it’s been a natural tendency to reflect on all it has had to offer. In relative terms, it’s been an easier and quieter year for me than many which have preceded it. However, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been without its challenges. It simply pays testament to the fact that my battles, hurdles and setbacks this year have all been those in which I have fought internally. It’s been a tremendous year of self-growth triggered by the need to resolve my inner most insecurities and thereby the things that have been inextricably holding me back.
I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of things that have either been a source of tension or made me uncomfortable and therefore held me back from admitting them. It’s always easy to look to the future in which the person you wish to be is heeding the adventure. I personally have tended to look forward and imagine an existence where my inner most flaws and the things I consider as weaknesses are no longer present. What I hadn’t realised in the past is that happiness was not to be had by wiping away the things that have innately made me, me. For better or worse they are a part of my psyche, of my being and in order to move forward with content I didn’t need to eliminate them, quite the opposite, I needed to embrace them.
It always seems to be the material things that we assume to be at the heart of the pursuit of quality of life and happiness. Earlier in the year I was the skinniest I have even been and somehow drunk on the ability to wear whatever I wanted because I just could. But looking back at it, I wasn’t actually happy at all. In reality, I was innately miserable because I hadn’t made peace with the events of the recent past and was on a constant pursuit for more… more of the skinny-ness, more of the euphoric feeling of losing those kilos, more of that praise from those around me for my so-called complete overhaul of image. Looking back on it now, it’s easy to see where I went wrong. In placing the source of my happiness externally, I had attempted to validate my existence outside of my own being. A pivotal mistake in which cannot be sustained for a prolonged period of time.
In the months since, I’ve been forced to come to terms with some inevitable but uncomfortable facts. That I am and have been my own worst enemy in the past and that in order to progress in life, I have had to forgive those who have wronged me and more importantly myself. I have forgiven myself for not living up to unrealistic expectations. I have forgiven myself for not being further along in my career than I would’ve anticipated. I’ve forgiven myself for letting my emotions drive my decision making capacity and influence how I interact with people; because at the end of the day, I haven’t been kind enough to myself. I have not treated myself with the same dignity and respect that I attribute to others. What I have listed as character flaws in the past are anything but that. They are my strengths and what make me inherently my own individual entity.
So as 2017 draws closer, I am finally ready and willing to accept myself and to love who I am without any ifs, or buts. I am prepared to love who I am right now, not the person in the future who is more educated or 5kgs lighter or in a higher job designation. I love and accept the version of myself that exists right here and now and will continue to do so as I grow and evolve in the years to come.