I blog for Change…

As I attempt to orient the windy and often treacherous roads that encapsulate life, here are some of my thoughts on the successes, failures and ultimately the hope and positivity in which I strive for a better world. I also hope that I can use this blog as a platform to elevate the social justice issues that are somewhat forgotten in the modern discourse of staying silent on issues that challenge.


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To Self-Heal.

I’ve written before about my struggles with weight and self image which seem to have been exacerbated by a period last year where I dropped a significant amount of my body mass very quickly. I had never in my life up to that point been one to worry about the scales and seemed to have a natural self worth and confidence that had nothing to do with the way I looked. However, my ‘skinny’ self fast became the absolute opposite of this person as I found myself agonising over any shift in my weight day after day after debilitating day.

I didn’t really know if I wanted to share the extent of my struggles within this piece, because no one really questions things when you fit into a mould on that ‘ideal body type’. But as I received compliment after compliment on my appearance, the question that should have been asked and in which I should have held myself accountable is ‘are you okay?’… interestingly enough, no one ever asked that question of me once.

The truth is, I really wasn’t okay. Instead of focusing on my health, on healing from a few recent battles in life that had knocked me off course, I attempted to feed myself on compliments and a deluded sense of self worth which entailed looking a certain way. Reflecting back on it, I struggle to fathom how I existed at all during this time. More than anything else I remember a lingering and agonising feeling of hunger each and every day as I struggled to maintain an unhealthy form of existence where I consumed the bare minimum. I lost count of the restless nights in which hunger kept me awake and the constant fog in which my mind was forced to operate as my body attempted to get through the days without the nutrients it needed to function on.

When I could no longer deal with the hunger I turned to another and equally harmful practice of binge eating. I felt as though I was trapped in a never ending cycle of binging, being consumed by guilt, succumbing to that guilt by purging and then feeling shameful about the entire episode. This would then repeat itself several times a day. It’s difficult to explain the feeling of shame that this process brought on and how much I utterly hated what I was doing to myself. I wasn’t a passive participant in all of this and yet still felt an inevitability of it all in which I was trapped in a nightmarish sequence which I could not bring myself to end.

It’s a strange thing to wake up every day and be consumed by thoughts pertaining to control leading to an unending sense of inadequacy. I’m still attempting to heal and of course it isn’t an easy process as I learn to love myself once again from within. What I have realised however is that I don’t want to live the way that I was, I have more respect for my being, for my spirit and for my soul to abuse it so badly once again. I can only explain life as making the most of a series of misfortunate events that are out of our control. But what I cannot forget is how much I value myself and all I have to offer this world. I’ve neglected my self-growth for such a long time and focused on false ideals of what equates to happiness which I refuse to do anymore. Healing is not an easy thing to do from here on out, but I commit to it as life choice towards betterment.

Sx


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An Accidental Reassess..

I opened my journal up for the first time in a very long time this morning and was met by 2 main feelings which were quite polarising and different in nature. The first being utter dismay at how long it had been since my last entry; the date read 01st of March 2016 – had it seriously been that long?! However, the 2nd feeling I had was one of dual surprise and accomplishment considering that the progress I had made on the very last thing I wrote about being committed to over the coming year.

The closing lines of my entry in March proclaimed my pledge to the following 4 things:

  • Self-Healing
  • Health & Wellbeing
  • Career progression
  • My living situation

Reflecting back on my year so far, I’ve actually made so much more progress on all 4 of these elements than I would have realised had I not decided to open up my journal today. I mean healing myself has been the 101 go-to and life mantra for my existence this year. I’ve come to understand that so many of my bad habits stem from deep seated and unresolved issues which go back a long way back.

I’ve had a problematic relationship with food for as long as I can remember and used this source as my weapon of choice to either dull the pain of life or eat my emotions away. This has also meant that my health and wellbeing has never really been that great as my sense of indulgence tends to peak whenever I’m hit with an emotion I don’t want to deal with or one that overwhelms me. In saying that though, I feel like the biggest achievement towards correcting this during the year has been to identify it and acknowledge its existence. I now know what my triggers are and I’m working towards correcting them safely and steadily.

This year I have also finally stopped complaining about my living situation and done something about it. Financially it hasn’t been at all easy, and most probably won’t be for a while yet, but it has been worth it. For too long I placed the onus for change in my life on external forces without taking the responsibility myself, which is an easy but unrewarding way to live.

In terms of career progression, well I haven’t progressed in terms of my designation but I’m learning every day. I also now understand the importance of patience and consistency within life pursuits. I’m currently in a space in which I am solidifying the path to greater things in my future by being intentional in my actions and exhibiting stability in all my endeavours. I’m committed to taking a steady pace towards forming a solid foundation in which to build on, and the truth is that’s ok for now.

So in taking stock of tracking my progress on the initial objectives I set earlier in the year, I’m much farther along that I would have ever given myself credit for. I also have to practice a certain amount of gratitude today to whatever force got me to open up that journal.

Progress on 2016 action points & goals – ON TRACK.

Sx

 


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Dear Future Soul Mate..

Dear Future Soul Mate,

I’m not going to start this letter by proclaiming that I have been searching for you my entire life or that the pursuit of your existence represents the sole purpose for my being; because to be honest, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. For all of the years of my life so far, I have actually been in search of myself without ever realising or understanding what that meant.

When I was younger I remember wasting so much of my time and energy bemoaning the fact that you hadn’t entered my life yet. I often wondered why this was especially when I began to look around and compare my existence to others. I measured almost every aspect of my journey against whether or not I had someone to lean on and projected my insecurities onto that person expecting them to heal those wounds. But I would never want for that you.

It’s taken so much time for me to realise that the healing I seek, the confidence and ease of being that I need is to be found within myself. It’s become glaringly evident that I have needed to understand myself and the innate strength I possess before I was ready to meet you. This has only come from years of toiling, battling and living on my own. I would never have known the abundance of my own strength and the unyielding nature of my self-worth unless I had faced these struggles alone.

I’m not saying that these difficulties are now complete. They are in fact ongoing as I continue to learn about myself and grow into the human being that I am supposed to be. But what I am saying is that I am ready to meet you, I’m ready for you to be a part of my life and take this journey by my side and on terms that our jointly decided by us both. I’m ready for the reciprocal partnership that our lives will offer us and willing to work towards building a functional relationship based on mutuality and respect.

I promise to never look for self completion within you; that is not a role that you are supposed to play in my life. Your presence will complement the elements of my existence that I have already built on my own and of my own accord. Our lives will not amalgamate into one, for we are two unique and individual entities who are as independent and free spirited as each other. Our roles in each other’s lives will be to support each other to become the best possible versions of ourselves in the pursuit of our greatness.

The truth is I wasn’t ready for you before, mainly because I’ve needed to build the foundation towards my own journey first. I would never have appreciated your place in my life back then because I would’ve looked to find the best of me within you and that is not the type of life partnership that either one of us are destined for.

So whenever you feel you have reached that same stage in the pursuit of your own journey, I’ll be ready to meet you and endeavour upon whatever is written in the stars for our future together.

Sx


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Is stability counterintuitive to Growth?

All too often life forces us out of our relative comfort and pushes us to either change direction, or stop, take a breather and reassess. In most instances this is a painful yet inevitable endeavour to put us back on track towards the direction that we may have strayed from without even realising it. In almost every instance of this occurrence it is drawn from a shock or an external jolt within our everyday lives. This has been none the more obvious to me due to recent events.

For the past few weeks my workplace has been going through departmental downsizing and due to a few varying factors my team was instructed that redundancies would occur and were in fact imminent. However, the announcement of who that would apply to wasn’t going to be made public for some time yet. I remember feeling as though an immense impending doom was descending on me at a rate and speed I could not control. Having to operate in this environment has certainly been a challenge but got me thinking about the element of fate and destiny and if the rigid plans that we have for our lives are actually inhibiting us from true growth and realising our full potential.

It’s all a part of one’s life journey to build towards the idea of stability. We are constantly told as children that the path to adulthood means educating yourself and working hard enough to carve out a space within a specific field or workplace or career. Of course I am not in opposition to this theory per say but perhaps we’ve been looking at it wrong this entire time. What if instead of pushing towards stability we prioritised the attainment of knowledge and life experience. Perhaps we aren’t supposed to stand still in one career path or job or organisation for years on end but instead challenge ourselves towards something better and different on a consistent basis.

I’ve often thought of comfort as a rampant dream killer. I mean the whole basis of being comfortable revolves around the idea of a state of ease but how conducive is this to growth?

The entire point that I am trying to make in this piece, albeit longwinded, is that bumps in life are utterly inevitable. In the case of losing a job or being made redundant perhaps this presents the opportunities that come with a blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s the universe telling us that we have been comfortable for too long and were headed down a restrictive path in the wrong direction.

Sx