At the beginning of the year I remember coming into it thinking that I pretty much had it all covered and lauded myself on my extensive personal growth. I envisaged my life easing into a state of relative calm and comfort that I had projected as somewhere off in my future, and alas it appeared in those moments to have finally arrived. The truth of the matter is that it wasn’t, it hadn’t and I had to have a proper assess and evaluate by the time February came rolling by.
The entire episode rattled me far greater that I had allowed it to in my conscious mind anyway. That feeling of believing with all your soul that you had it all figured out and watching that bubble burst so effervescently was traumatic to say the least. I decided at that point that I needed to go on a search to understand what it was that underpinned my existence, my reason for being and what dictated my decision making processes. I mean I’ve always known that I am more spiritual than rational and believe in some sort of higher purpose but never really understood what or how that fit in with my everyday existence.
So I decided to go on a spiritual search of kinds and ended up searching for answers down the path of astrology. I remember so vividly entering into a consultation and asking a million and one questions about my future; will I be coupled up, successful, have children etc etc. I was searching for the answers in the outer realms of being without looking within myself. Perhaps it is all that much easier to look to the stars and some higher entity as the holder of the key to a life well lived. I certainly didn’t expect the answers to my life dilemmas to be wholly held by myself and myself alone and remember feeling a little jibbed by it all.
I mean, who could imagine that the onus of responsibility for one’s life is on… themselves?! A strange thought indeed. The revelation that I ended up having that day was not one of an epiphany of how to create life success it was instead a distinct need to self heal.
As human beings we really are flawed creatures who stumble from one situation of life into another, all the while attempting to wield some level of clout and rationale. The truth is along the way due to interactions with other equally flawed beings, we emerge with deep seated emotional scars that remain invisible on the outside but taint every move we make from that point on. Life will determine, in most instances, that we do get up and carry on but often times the motions are almost an action of autopilot in which we shut out the pain, the heartbreak and the loss to focus on the immediate need to take that next step. It’s only time, and usually copious amounts of it, that allow us the ability to look back which is essential in the process to heal. So then why do we avoid it so?
Perhaps the answer is because the process itself means identifying our own faults, flaws and missteps. Maybe it’s because it means applying forgiveness to those who might not deserve it or taking sole responsibility for something where we were not the sole partaker. Either way what I’ve learnt is that as uncomfortable as the process is, it is essential to take a breather and embark down the path of healing; of healing the heart, the mind and the soul. All of which I know is a necessary part of my journey too. Of accepting what was, admitting my role in it all and preparing to take the next well informed step to a different future.