Forgiveness is quite possibly the most difficult act to endeavour upon, especially if you’ve been hurt deeply by something or someone. I myself have been carrying around so much baggage pertaining to being damaged that for the longest time it has left me accepting the fact that holding on to a grudge is just the generic go to and sole response open to me within the gamut of my emotions. What’s become more and more evident over time however is that I am capable of so much more and the only one I’ve been affecting by refusing to let go of this pain has been me, and me alone.
It made me question why the idea of forgiveness is such a difficult one. As human beings we tend to look back at situations in which all we really remember is the outcome of an interaction and the way in which it made us feel. Having your heart broken is one of these difficult instances and so often it then leads to all kinds of other triggers of emotions pertaining to self-loathing and self-doubt. For me personally, it was so much easier to blame this on the person who caused all the heartache than consider that I was making an active decision to stay in that downbeat place. Whenever I was stuck in a rut, or refused to open myself up to someone I would revert back to that circumstance, recall the negative emotion it triggered, get lost in that revulsion and justify my pessimistic actions.
However, I had the most freeing thought the other day. One in which I considered what it would be like to accept the fact that I had held on to heartbreak, pain and loss for too long and regardless of whether the person who had wronged me was remorseful for his actions, I wanted to let go. I realised that I genuinely was ready to forgive this person, that situation and myself for allowing it to occur. I was ready to forgive him and most importantly forgive myself and just let go of that negativity. By holding on so tightly and vehemently to the pain, I was holding myself back in a way that was completely self-inflicted.
In a flood of emotion and an instantaneous epiphany, I understood that it didn’t matter anymore in the scheme of things. That hating someone and looking back with such combined fury and sadness was not going to change anything. I was and have been actively making a mental choice every day, for the past 3 years which has sapped my energy, my hope and my belief. I have done that to myself and to be honest, I am sick and tired of self sabotaging in this way. Instead, I choose to forgive, not because he deserves it but because I do.