I had a realisation yesterday, as I once again embarked on the eternal question of ‘have I obtained a good level of personal growth in the last few months’? Inevitably, after every failed career venture, sensation of listlessness and demised relationship, one tends to ponder what ‘lessons’ have I learnt and has this made me a better person? As I continued to assess this, I started to ascertain the levels of criticism and critique that I endemically push upon myself whenever I am in this position. I had a fleeting and amazingly scary thought that, despite these experiences, I felt just as lost as I had prior to them. That in spite of the emotional scars that I know I bore, I didn’t feel any more equipped to tackle the joys and pitfalls of life.
Does this mean that I haven’t taken out of these experiences what I was supposed to? Am I flailing as a human being in my attempt of the pursuit of life? Of its wonders and pleasures? Am I missing something?
What I have begun to understand is that, it is actually okay to not feel equipped with this ‘wisdom and knowledge’. Life isn’t about having all the answers, it’s about knowing that we really don’t but embarking upon experiences in spite of this. I myself, can admit that I don’t know what the future holds or where I will be in 1,2,5 or even 10 years. But I accept this unknown and will instead focus on the here and now, being the best person I can be and treasuring the memories that have been my past.
Perhaps everything in life is not supposed to be a lesson that we dissect and gather a ‘true meaning’ from. Perhaps, life is all about stumbling through and finding people who to share this adventure with.