I’ve noticed that I’ve been writing a lot more about love these days. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I feel more inspired these days or if by some miraculous force greater than me, my heart has started to open up again. I started to see a trend in myself, in the way that I process emotions over the last few years. Frankly I’ve been numb; I’ve shied away from any type of encounter that would leave me vulnerable in any which way. I’ve now understood that I did these things to protect myself. But it wasn’t a conscious decision that I made, it came from somewhere deep within that had lost too much, that had their heart broken too many times, that had felt the excruciating pain of being let down by people over and over again.
So I closed off my heart. I refused to take any chances or let anyone in because at least that way I could be in control of my own emotions. But for whatever reason over the last few months I feel a shift in which the door that had been so tightly locked has suddenly and without warning creeped ajar.
If I look back I struggle to find one solitary element which was the catalyst for this but what I can pinpoint is that I have been far more brave than before. I took a chance recently on someone who I have been drawn to for a long time. In the past we’ve had our time but have both been cautious and to be honest the timing was also ‘never right’. We danced around each other and never addressed our feelings. If I’m honest this suited me in a way where I didn’t ever really have to offer anything of myself, of my heart, of my soul to him. But all the time I knew that I was repressing my feelings or at least the element of exploring what if with this person.
I found myself stuck within this cycle once again recently. Except this time instead of hiding behind a nonchalant emotion, I decided that it was time that I faced the underlying motivation of why I always fell back into this arms. So I reached out, I put myself out there. It was one of the most difficult things I have done in years. Because for so long I have actively decided to not lean on anyone, to not give anyone an entry point into my life. Not because I didn’t want anyone around, but because people let me down; people always let me down.
In spite of all of this, I swallowed my pride and my fear. I put aside my ego and purposely made myself vulnerable. I wanted to show this person that I cared, I cared enough to put my heart on the line. As hard as it was, I would do it for myself as much as this other person because I didn’t want to hide or shield myself anymore.
In the end it didn’t really go the way I’d planned. I was let down again, or perhaps looking at it another way, this person just wasn’t at the same place that I was. They were not ready or willing to be brave in the same way that I was. They needed to protect themselves just as I had for all those years. Looking back I don’t feel sad or ashamed for having put myself out there. On the contrary, I am proud that I overcame all of the things which has previously held me back to take a chance on something.
I can’t exactly explain how but this whole encounter has somehow shifted something within me. It’s cleared a blockage in my heart which has kept me from all the things I had initially envisioned for myself; love, happiness, adventure. So in hindsight I have to thank this person who taught me an invaluable lesson about life. Live bravely, take chances and gamble greatly on the things which mean the most to you. Do not be afraid to try.